Bueno Bueno Bueno

Well, Megan made it through today. That is something. I feel like an insecure woman after a date. "Will he call me again?" In this case, of course, the question is: "Will she come in tomorrow?" She claims she will. I look forward to the day when I don't wonder if she will be showing up. Rejection sure can play with one's emotions, can't it?

I made it through my busy day. It began with a visit to the jail, and it ended with a visit to the jail. Instead of having my clients get sent off to prison, I had a couple of them released from jail. That feels a bit rewarding.

I came up with an idea that other day. It is another one of my idiotic money-making invention. The purpose of the invention is to help Hispanics who get pulled over by the police. What is it? It is a small handheld electronic device. It has three fields. Each field has forty possibilities. This allows for 64,oo0 possible combinations.

It is a Hispanic Name Generator. Each field is comprised of Hispanic names. You press the button, and the machine randomly chooses your name. Simple enough. Get pulled over by the police? Hit the button. "Juan Garcia Ramirez." Bond out and get pulled over the next week? Hit the button: "Pablo Manuel Diego." And so on. It can't miss.

The problem with this idea is that I think it has already been invented. I have not seen it, but how else to explain the name of the woman I represented today: "Angela Vasquez Vasquez." Is that even possible? Does anyone give their child the same name consecutively? I figure that a Hispanic Name Generator would have to be responsible for this. Of course, that creates the possibility of an incredibly fun slot-machine-like game. What if you are a cop and you pull a guy over and the following occurs:

"Speak English?"
"A little."
"Name?"

"Name?"
"Garcia Garcia Garcia."

Surely, there would have to be prize money for that.

Well, if the name generator does exist, it clearly needs to be fine-tuned. Look for me to be selling this handy device through this blog within the year.

Megan a Choice

I had some interesting interviews today. The male I interviewed, Scooter, was quite a character. If you are familiar with The X-Files, Scooter is Byers of the Lone Gunmen on that show. He was the guy with the beard. The Lone Gunmen were supersmart conspiratorial nerds who helped Scully and Mulder on occasion. Scooter was ridiculously smart and an intellectual, too. Our conversation was very interesting, but I found myself almost embarrassed to be explaining to him what the job entailed. I felt like I was interviewing Superman to be a crossing guard.

I like to think that I won't hold someone's overqualifications against them, but in this case I think that I will. I just can't imagine that he will not be in hot pursuit of something else the entire time he works in my office. On the other hand, he would probably be able to do some kickass research for me. Oh -- and he was in a sketch comedy group in college for three years. So not only is he smarter than I am, but he is funnier, too. I don't think so. I mean, what would I do without my ego?

I was stuck for a while trying to decide between Rosalita and Megan. Rosalita speaks Spanish and has an unbelievable amount of enthusiasm. There is nothing really negative about her. Megan just seems like she will be the best fit. I got along very well with her, and she had the right combination of qualifications (college degree, some office work) and personality. So I am going with Megan. Of course, all that really means is that I will be hiring Rosalita in a few days.

Our office Christmas Party is on Saturday. I am going to dangle that out there as a carrot for Megan to try to at least keep her employed through the weekend. After all, that will be a new record.

I think I have to be at the jail tomorrow at eight. I am not looking forward to that. Tomorrow is going to be a long, long day. I cannot wait until it is over.

The Temp(s)

This is Tuesday's entry.

Hard to believe this, but I had another new employee quit today. For those of you keeping score at home, this is the third person I have hired to replace Apple. The first one trained for an hour on two consecutive days after work. Then she called me and told me that her boyfriend got a great job out of town and that they were moving. The second one worked one afternoon, then sent me an email that night telling me that she could not work right now. This most recent one worked yesterday and today. Toward the end of today she informed me that this job was just not for her.

On the plus side of things, I suppose that I should be happy that each one has lasted a bit longer than the previous one. I may very well get someone to work an entire week for me soon. That will be exciting. I have a couple of leftover people who I can hire. However, I have scheduled a couple more interviews for tomorrow. If I am going to have someone new quit after a few days again, I might as well make sure that quitting person is the best person available.

Everything in the office is so backed up that it is scary. I was at work today until eight. I know that twelve hour days are the norm for many lawyers, but I can assure you that my days are usually in the nine to ten hour range. Luckily, the holiday season quickly approaches. The good part about that is that Thursday is really my last heavy court day for the year. It will give me a lot of time to train whomever it is that I wind up hiring.

Life Imitates Life

This is Monday's entry.

Every once in a while something happens on the national stage that brings light to something that I have to deal with on a day to day basis. That thing today was the sentencing of Michael Vick. The judge had some range within which he could sentence Mr. Vick. What this sentence would ultimately be depended, in part, on what Mr. Vick did with himself between his last court date and this court date.

Mr. Vick knew this. He had to. Why do I say that? Well, he had some very good attorneys working for him. They undoubtedly instructed him that even though he had already been convicted, he had not yet been sentenced. He should not throw in the towel because his actions could still influence the sentence.

So what did he do? Well, among other things, he smoked some pot. He was told to remain drug-free, and he smoked some pot. The story or two I saw today about this expressed bewilderment that he would smoke pot when it could literally add months to his prison time.

Welcome to my world.

"You are charged with possession of marijuana. If you are clean on your court date, you will be able to get a deferred prosecution and have the case dismissed. If you do not, then you will get a conviction." Defendant then smokes pot.

"You have violated your probation and your case has been continued for one month. If you are clean by then, you will just have your probation modified. If you are not, then your prison sentence will be activated and you will do two years in prison." Defendant smokes pot.

"Your court date has been continued for three weeks. If you test positive, Social Services is going to take your child away from you. If you test negative, you will be able to keep your child." Defendant smokes pot.

None of the above are exaggerations or hypothetical situations. I have seen them all happen. I don't know if it says more about the addiction of some drugs or the stupidity of criminal defendants, but it sure happens all the time.

Apple Turnover

I think I need to add a cast of characters or some type of directory on here. Not only will it help me keep straight the fictitious names that I have given to all of these people I know, but it also will help any reader I may one day get sort of keep track of things.

My secretary that I am replacing -- the one who no-called no-showed on Monday -- was back in action today for her final farewell. We were informed that she had a bit of a breakdown due to a break-up with a boyfriend and that this break-up lead her to a hospital. Well, that is obviously not good. She is fine, though, and it was nice to see her today. And her name is Apple. That much I can remember.

I interviewed four candidates to replace her today. Times are desperate. When one asked when I wanted her to start if she gets the job, I responded, "Think of it this way: my office is on fire right now, and I am interviewing firemen." That about sums it up.

Of the four today, I really liked the one who worked in the Peace Corps. I have a soft spot for people who do things like that. Of course, it also makes me feel like a loser because I never did anything like that. The closest thing I ever did to joining the Peace Corps was probably buy some poor guy a beer at the bar in law school. Is that comparable on any scale at all?

I also was able to start catching up on my messages from the week today. I always feel like a jackass when I start a conversation with, "Hi, Mr. Owens, I am returning your call from five days ago. How are you? Do you need help? Is your case already over? Have you already been sentenced to die?" Most of them have no problem with it at all and are just happy that I am calling them back.

Tomorrow I have four more interviews set up. I hope to have the newest employee working Monday. If someone starts working for me on December 10th, what sort of obligation am I under to give her a Christmas bonus? It's like going out on a first date on February 13th.

Branson, Missouri

I am absolutely exhausted. I was in court the entire day. When I walked back into my office for the first time after five, I had three people waiting for me in the lobby. The woman I hired to work as a secretary yesterday quit today. I don't think I have even returned a telephone call this week. It has been rough. Well, tomorrow is a new day, right?

Gregory Giles had court today, and his case was finally resolved. He was charged with felony breaking and entering, and felony larceny. What was the evidence against him? Well, when he was found he had in his possession the owner's manual for the vehicle and the registration. Pretty clever to carry around items that have absolutely no monetary value but have enormous evidentiary value.

Gregory Giles is not altogether there. He rubs his feces on the wall of the jail cell. When I walked into the holding cell to talk to him for the fifth or so time since I first represented him on this case, he greeted me with a quizzical look.

"Do I know you from somewhere?"
"I am your lawyer."
"No. From somewhere else."
"Nope. Just from being your lawyer."
"Missouri? Or was it Kansas?"
"I've never been to Missouri or Kansas."
"I think it was Branson, Missouri."

Amazingly, he accepted the plea. The charges were reduced to misdemeanors and he received an eight month sentence. As he already had enough time spent in custody, he was released today. I can't imagine it will be long before he pops up again in court.

The good news was that his nephew happened to be charged with a felony and had court today, too. The nephew, Trey, approached me and we went out to the hallway and talked. He informed me that Gregory was his uncle and that the family had not seen him for two years. They didn't know where he was. I told Trey that I knew where he had been for the past eight or nine months, but that I didn't know where he had been before that.

Next thing I know, Trey is on the phone calling relatives and trying to get someone to pick up Gregory from jail. They are hoping they can get him on some medication and maybe get him a place to live. I am not sure how much luck they will have, but it was just sheer luck that Trey was in court. If he had not been, then Gregory would have just walked out into the world with nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no idea how to get it done. Now he at least had some family looking out for him. I was able to make some recommendations to Trey and to his grandmother. It made me feel like I might have done something useful for Gregory after all.

Still Shaky

Just the other day I stepped out of my office to go walk a block and get myself something to eat. On my way, I encountered Shaky. It is always a treat to see Shaky outside of the courtroom. He didn't seem particularly drunk. Even sober, he sounds drunk because he has had his teeth knocked out and suffers from physical ailments that I have possibly never heard of. When I first represented him about nine years ago, he was fairly easy to understand. He had a bit of a spark in his eye. Now neither of those things are true.

Typically, when the police charge Shaky with something, the magistrate gives him a one hundred dollar bond. Shaky can't post the bond, so he stays in jail until his court date. Once I get appointed the case (and the court always appoints me to represent him -- it may be because I am the only lawyer who can understand him), I immediately try to get his court date moved up to the next date the Judge Cribble will be on the bench. Judge Cribble will give him time served, and he will be released.

Today Shaky had court. I was walking down the aisle in the courtroom and he waved me down from one of the seats. I was a bit startled. What was he doing there? He wasn't in custody. Had he somehow actually made his bond? Nope. The magistrate just gave him an unsecured bond, so he wasn't in jail for that case.

How Shaky knew to be in court today I cannot imagine. He is homeless. He seems to have no idea what is going on. But not only is he in court, but he is in court on the right day and in the right courtroom. How is that even possible?

So I helped expedite the process of getting him up to the judge to request court appointed counsel (ie, me). I was appointed. Now, the problem with Shaky not being in custody is that he has no jail credit on the case. When we go before the judge (hopefully Cribble), Shaky will not be able to get time served. The judge can't put him on probation because he is homeless and can't possibly be effectively supervised. The judge can't fine him because he can't possibly pay any money. But the judge can put him in jail, and that is probably what will happen. Hopefully, he will get one day in jail. So instead of Shaky going home on his court date like he usually does, he will probably go to jail.

And if memory serves me correctly, it will be the 23rd time I represent him.

Ay, Caramba!

This is Tuesday's post.

Rafael Fuentes was recently charged with DWI. I represented him today. It was the first time he had been charged with DWI. He had been in jail for 47 days awaiting trial. I pled him guilty, and he received credit for time served. I actually felt badly for him because he spent so much time in jail awaiting trial.

As I was walking away from the bench after doing the plea, I was approached by Stan Lentz, another attorney. Stan informed me that he Rafael Fuentes' name was not Rafael Fuentes. His name, according to Stan, is actually Marco Ramirez. Stan has represented Rafael numerous times. For numerous DWIs. Stan estimates that Rafael/Marcos has been convicted of eight or nine DWIs. If that is true, then he should have received years in prison instead of days in jail.

On Thursday, I represent Jacobo Ortiz for possession of cocaine. I have just learned that Jacobo Ortiz is actually Rafael/Marcos. Somehow, he was in jail under two names. If I could explain how that is even possible, I would. But I have no idea. What sort of ethical obligation do I have to the court to tell them that Jacobo is not who he says he is, and that he actually has a pretty terrible record? I have no idea. This is sort of an ethics dilemma. It is not something I look forward to dealing with.

I have always like the idea of shapeshifters in science fiction movies and television shows. I never thought they could really exist. I have now learned that they do. Hispanic illegal immigrants who get in trouble with the law are as close to being shapeshifters as anything there is. They get arrested, give a fake name, get sentenced as a first time offender, then get released on probation or get time served. If they are released on probation, they give a fake address. No one is ever found with that name. Then the get arrested again, give a new fake name, get sentenced as a first time offender, then get released on probation or get time served. Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

People think that fingerprint databases prevent this. People think that the police run your fingerprints, get a match, and can identify you if you have been fingerprinted before. But that is not really how it works. To match prints, the police have to intentionally be looking at two sets of prints they think might match. Typically, they match prints found at the scene with the prints of the suspect. They don't take the prints at the scene, run it through a computer, and then find a match to a guy they weren't already looking at. It just doesn't work that way. It does in the movies, but not in real life. Of course, I used to think that shapeshifting worked in the movies, but not in real life. Obviously, I was wrong.

It doesn't register

Apple didn't show up today. She was supposed to stay on for another week and train a new person. I hired a new person last week, Susie, but Susie let me know on Friday that she was going to move to another city because her boyfriend just got a job. It was a busy day, we were shorthanded, and it is going to suck until I have someone firmly in place. I am hoping to hire a former Marine for the position. I figure she will be able to keep everyone and everything in line. I am still waiting to hear back from her to see if she wants the job.

Joseph Dobbs is a 22 year old sex offender that I represent. He was convicted of a sex offense when he was 18. Now, for the rest of his life he has to keep the state informed as to where he lives. He has to register as a sex offender wherever he goes. This strikes me as being so flagrantly unconstitutional that I can barely talk about it. Go kill a person, and you will get your fifteen or twenty years in prison. At that point, society says you have paid your debt and you don't owe anything else. You don't have to register as a murderer before you go live somewhere.

But, of course, having sex with a fourteen year old when you are nineteen is much more serious than murder. Now you are marked for life. Life. There is no amount of time you can spend in prison that will make society say, "Okay. You have paid a large enough punishment." It is crazy the way our society deals with these sex offenders.

The argument, of course, is that sex offenses have such a high recidivism rate that we must keep track of sex offenders at all costs because they are going to strike again. Okay, let us suppose that is true. Are there studies that show us that making them register as sex offenders everywhere they live for the rest of their life is going to decrease the chances that they will offend again? I am not quite aware of that study.

I see two things accomplished by making sex offenders register: 1- People like Joseph Dobbs wind up serving another couple of years for not telling the state where they live. You want a victimless crime? How about not telling someone where you live? Two years. And 2- Regular citizens get to freak out and become frightened over things that are not real dangers. Go look up a site that shows you where sex offenders in your state live. Pull up a map of your neighborhood and see just how many live near you. Hint: it is a lot. You have a better chance of being struck by lightening twice than you do of having a stranger grab your child and molesting him/her. Want to avoid having your kid molested? Be watchful with family, friends, teachers, and sitters. Don't worry about Joseph Dobbs around the corner who shows up as a red dot on one of those websites.

Well, you might want to worry about him, actually. He has an armed robbery conviction and has a new gun-related crime that is pending in federal court. Of course, there won't be any red dots on your monitor for any of that.